Adele’s everywhere! Her album 25 has become the first album to sell 2 million copies in two different weeks. It’s almost as if she is world president already but what would be in her manifesto, I wonder?
1. Adelemas will be an annual celebration, replacing Christmas. People will exchange Adele albums. They’ll put life-sized cardboard cutouts of Adele in their living room and decorate her with slightly tacky tinsel.
2. Sam Smith’s Bond theme will deported to another planet.
3. Cockney rhyming slang will be the universal language to confuse an aliens wishing to invade us.
4. Adele’s laugh will play from a giant speaker in the clouds every time you do something wrong – ‘cause it’s cheaper than courts (those judges’ wigs must get expensive).
5. Now Adele has written a reply to Lionel Richie’s question, ‘Hello, is it me you’re looking for?’, he will be offered a generous state pension and can retire
6. Stereos and iPods will have only two buttons on them: ‘Adele’ and ‘Everyone else’
7. Alan Carr will be minister for laughs and accents. Alan Carr and Adele sound similar that the work can be contracted out. He’ll have no day-to-day responsibilities, his role is more ceremonial – thank goodness for that.
8. Every birthday, you’ll be re-named after your new age. For instance, I’m 22 soon so my name will become 22. That’ll keep the deed poll people busy…
9. Queen Elizabeth II will be given a new role as Adele’s record producer so Adele can keep making music.
10. Instead of national anthems, there will be a world anthem. It will be a mash-up of every Adele song EVER.